Friday, December 2, 2016

Wealthy White Male Ends His Trek Across the Globe

Image result for sunblood peakWe landed in Yellowknife, the largest town in the Northwest Territories of Canada, and immediately the view is spectacular. While none of us consider ourselves “outdoorsy” we could all agree that seeing the northern lights from the top of a mountain like in brother bear is something we have to do. We decided Nahanni National Park was the best option to accomplish this goal. We prepared for a day, being trained by a college student named Ricky, volunteering as a park ranger in his time off of school, apparently this is a popular thing.We packed our backpacks and began our hike up Sunblood Peak, It began difficult, but we found a groove at mile 7 or 8. We reached the top at about sundown, pitched our tents and waited for the aurora to light up our world. When it did i felt goosebumps all over my body. Dingbang and Jonas loved it. We were all dog tired, but this made it all worth it. We went to sleep, woke up and spent the morning together on Sunblood Peak, and then made our way back to the base camp. Ricky greeted us and gave us hot chocolates to sip on. He was very hospitable to us and I sauced a Sir Robert L. Borden (100 canadian dollar bill, that’s 75 USD) his way. He seemed astonished and grateful.Image result for sunblood peak

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We decided to slow things down and head to Vancouver, hundreds of miles away. We are a bunch of film lovers, and there is no better place for a film buff to visit besides perhaps hollywood. The city feels very clean, modern, sleek, and it fits with most any movie you can think of. We saw 3 film crews scouting potential filming locations just walking from our hotel in downtown to a little new york bagel place just a few blocks away. That afternoon, we took a scenic boat tour of downtown ShipFaced Vancouver Boat Tours treated us well, and Sir Robert was sauced their way. Pacific Spirit Regional park was a bit of a gem. Tucked at the end of the peninsula of Vancouver, we got some pizza for 50 CD and had a pizza picnic in the park. Popo and I met some divorced soccer moms and hit it off, I hadn’t realized that I have lost 45 pounds on this journey! I’m a very handsome man. We actually spent a few weeks here with them, Margaret and Rebekah, and the kids really hit it off. I think it’s time to stop the journey, sell the company, and spend time with my new family.

Wealthy White Male's New Son Cries for Joy in Jamaica

Image result for jamaicaImage result for jamaica treasure beachJamaica is so beautiful. Crystal beaches, colorful flora, and a great place to snorkel. We sailed into a port town in St.Elizabeth called Cutlass Point, just by Treasure Beach. One of my favorite things is that lots of the places names appear to be taken directly from bad pirate movies. We took a taxi ride up through Treasure beach for 500 Jamaican Dollars, past Mountainside and visited the Black River. The city of the same name is a center of environmental tourism, and it is deserving of this role. The four of us took a ride on the “Black River Safari”. That was fun, but the real fun came when we took a short flight to Kingston, a bustling city on the East side of Jamaica. It’s a wonderful city, but take just a short walk from anywhere in the city, and you’ll find a blue lagoon, a lush jungle, or a very appealing tourist attraction. We spent an afternoon at Dunn’s River Falls. It is so unlike anything I’d ever seen. So mesmerising. Everywhere you go there’s something beautiful to explore. We learned a great deal about Bob Marley just from walking around town talking to people. His face is everywhere. We had a great time and Jonas cried on a few occasion at how happy he was.Image result for jamaica black river

Wealthy White Male Finds Homes For Haitian Orphan Boys

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Image result for cite soleilRelated imageHaiti is where I used to pretend to be charitable, I would go and cut ribbons for children's shelters and lay the first brick of a rebuilding project. This time, I wanted to be truly charitable. I figured the most efficient way to do this was to adopt Dingbang a brother, as well as funding a community for 2 years, long enough to come out of poverty. In search of an impoverished young man, we headed to Cite Soleil, the poorest shanty town in the poorest province in the poorest country in the world. I almost immediately noticed a little boy sitting in the frame of what was once a home made of garbage. Stuck in the mud beside it were 3 graves“Stanley Stevens, age 38” “Nephtalie Stevens, age 34” and “Samantha Stevens, age 4”. Popo approached the boy, who was petting a large black pig, squatted down and placed his hand on his shoulder, and began to speak softly to him. The boy’s name was Jonas, he was 7 years old and wearing rags. Dingbang gave him a hug and asked if he needed an older brother. He agreed on one condition: That we would find homes for the other orphan boys in his neighborhood. He brought us through the gridded streets made by the government to house the poor to a rough, muddy alley where some boys were playing a game of football, their clothes were a bit nicer than Jonas’ but it was apparent there were no adults in their lives. Jonas then introduced us to Emmanuel, a 10 year old, Simon, a 4 year old, and big Wesley, a 12 year old. I contacted every nice man and woman I had met on my journey, and described the boys to them. Skip, the Australian Navy veteran had a son and his wife who adopted the little Simon, a good little boy who would love New Zealand, where Skips son, Michael lives with his family. Emmanuel, the well mannered 10 year old had been living on his own for 7 years, but the headmaster at a certain German boarding school saw him as the perfect candidate for the perfect son. And Wesley, massive, lumbering Wesley, was adopted by none other than Spicy Mchaggis himself, the bagpipe bad boy. I always thought that he would make a great father. I also made the commune of Cite Soleil my pet project. It wouldn’t happen overnight, but I contacted my heavy machinery guys and we made a plan.

Wealthy White Male Learns New Things In Cuba

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We stopped for a few days in Cuba which was different. I had never been to Cuba and I only understood the economics of the country. But behind the politics, the embargoes, the relations, lie a people of rich culture, fascinating stories, delicious food, and good deeds. We landed in Havana, a city many say is “trapped in the 50s”, however, I found the colorful old cars to be so unique and cool that I cannot agree. Just like every other place on this earth, Havana is a living, breathing society, incomparable to any other city.Image result for havana

Image result for havanaHavanas vibrant colors are one example of how this society, somewhat independently developing for years, has become more fun than ours, and has found the essence of what it means to be alive. The people I met oozed contentment, self-reliance, and a good attitude. Based on my own personal definition of “Art”, the city of Havana is a masterpiece. Popo bought us some plantains to snack on, just 1 Cuban Convertible Peso, or 1 Dollar. I’m not 100% on board with plantains, but when in Rome. Our time here was eye-opening, Dingbang made a little friend named Ozzie. Their Spanish is a bit different in some ways, but I understood the pleasant strangers I interacted with.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Wealthy White Male Misses Pat Morita

Image result for okinawaI’m a bit of a film buff, but one film from my life has affected me in a way that far surpasses any other movie in existence. That movie would have to be the critically acclaimed sequel to the hit Ralph Macchio film The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid, part 2. Most of the movie takes place in a land called Okinawa, a storied island where disputes are settled by to-the-death brawls in the middle of festivals. I wanted to participate in one of these brawls. Obviously I went to the real Okinawa. I googled the “ where is the castle from Karate Kid 2” only to find that the entirety of the film had been filmed in Oahu, Hawaii. I was greatly troubled as to why an honorable man like Pat Morita would let this happen. Noriyuki “Pat” Morita was the hero of my childhood. His portrayal of Arnold Takahashi in Happy Days was exquisite. Image result for karate kid 2

What was I to do now? Aimlessly wandering the island, I stumbled on an old shoppe with a little old lady inside. They had fruits and spices. It was a local store that took only Yen, and the Shichimi Togarashi was only 50 Yen! I bought some Shichimi and looked around some more. Tucked in the middle of a busy city street, the small store was peculiar. I heard a faint screaming coming from somewhere, I figured it was a nearby building, but when I saw the secret door behind the bananas, I knew. I asked the lady up front “Dono kurai no faitokurabu ni sanka suru ni wa?” The fight club cost 3000 Yen. Well worth it. She explained to me the rules and regulations of underground Okinawan Kung Fu. First rule of underground Okinawan Kung Fu is: You do not talk about underground Okinawan Kung Fu. I was battered, beaten and sore after fighting three sumo-level warriors. I decided to enter the betting area. I won some good money, walked out a free man. It was a good time, really brought me back to Karate Kid 2.

Wealthy White Male Visits France for the 43rd Time

We went to France, I’ve been here 43 times, but one more won’t hurt.

Our time at the Louvre:

Simply exquisite, the art was so good. If French is the language of love, the Louvre is the galleria of love. We skipped right over the Mona Lisa, as it is much too basic for my artistic eye. Personally, my favorite exhibit was the Bouchardon, a Sublime Idea of Beauty. Edme Bouchardon, a renowned French sculptor and draftsman, made some truly exquisite art pieces in his life from 1698 to 1762. He was sculptor to the king in his time and for good reason. He was very talented. The Louvre is such an interesting place, I’ve been there several times and never seen the same exhibitions twice. Then we walked down Malakoff to the state forest and ate some good bread, quite expensive actually, 15 euros a pop. The park was quite beautiful and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. We didn’t stay here long because I come here all the time.

Nous sommes allés en France, j'ai été ici 43 fois, mais un plus ne fera pas mal.

Notre temps au Louvre:

Simplement exquis, l'art était si bon. Si le français est la langue de l'amour, le Louvre est la galerie de l'amour. Nous avons sauté directement sur la Mona Lisa, car il est beaucoup trop basique pour mon oeil artistique. Personnellement, ma pièce préférée était le Bouchardon, une Sublime Idée de Beauté. Edmée Bouchardon, sculpteur et dessinateur français de renom, a fait des œuvres d'art vraiment exquises dans sa vie de 1698 à 1762. Il a été sculpteur pour le roi à son époque et pour une bonne raison. Il était très talentueux. Le Louvre est un endroit intéressant, j'ai été plusieurs fois et je n'ai jamais vu les mêmes expositions deux fois. Puis nous sommes descendus Malakoff à la forêt d'état et avons mangé un bon pain, assez cher en fait, 15 euros un pop. Le parc était très beau et je me suis bien amusé. Nous ne sommes pas restés ici longtemps parce que je viens ici tout le temps.

Wealthy White Male Meets Spicy Mchaggis

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We’re in Ireland, and Popo and I have been having problems. Popos favorite 90s Grunge band is Pearl Jam, and mine is the Pixies, and Dingbang is caught in the middle. We decided to ask the Celtic punk band, the Dropkick Murphys, who the best 90s grunge band of all is, to find out once and for all. The Dropkick Murphys are actually based in Massachusetts, but they’re in Ireland right now. Ken Casey, Matt Kelly, Al Barr, James Lynch, Tim Brennan, and Jeff DaRosa arrived at our hotel in Galway, The Jurys Inn. We chatted for about ten minutes before a emerald helicopter appeared in the sky. It landed like a bird of prey and a bedazzled man with bagpipes exited. It was Spicy Mchaggis, the bands bagpiper from 2000-2003. A brilliantly tattooed man in a shiny flat cap, the rest of the band sprinted towards him, crying as they went. Al Barr, the lead singer, fell at his feet, and began to beg, saying “oy, Spicy ma’boy, how bout you come play those pipes with us ‘gain eh? Whaddya say?” Spicy stroked his neckbeard solemnly, and spoke quietly, “Why that sounds wicked pissa.”. The Murphys rejoiced. I hoisted Dingbang onto my shoulders and we ran through the streets of Galway, singing songs and dancing. We stopped at O’Cladhy’s and picked up some soda bread and a few pints of Stout, and got back to the streets. It only cost a few Euros. Galway is a town of bright colors and nice people. We went to Eyre Square Centre and chillaxed a while. We took a vote of who the best 90s grunge band was and the answers varied but Nirvana earned the most votes. Spicy argued that if Kurt Cobain had lived a full life, Nirvana would’ve been immeasurably better than other grunge bands. Bogus. The Murphys were still cool though. The Eyre Square was having their annual “SANTA’S MAGICAL ARRIVAL” day which was fun. They really went all out, as the facebook post states: “Santa was visited by his friends, Minnie Mouse, Olaf and Mickey Mouse and the dancing elves who entertained the whole crowd.” The whole crowd was hundreds of people. The dancing elves were sadly sexualized, but the disney characters were awesome. Also, a man name Bernard the Magician was an entertainer and he was wonderful. His tricky, were so tricky, his gimmicks, so gimmicky, and his accent was delightful. We spent a good portion of the there in the square. We held a concert that night at a stoneclad pub just around the corner from the Eyre Square Centre, and the Dropkick Murphys were on their game with their favorite bagpiper, Spicy Mchaggis back on the team.