Friday, December 2, 2016

Wealthy White Male Ends His Trek Across the Globe

Image result for sunblood peakWe landed in Yellowknife, the largest town in the Northwest Territories of Canada, and immediately the view is spectacular. While none of us consider ourselves “outdoorsy” we could all agree that seeing the northern lights from the top of a mountain like in brother bear is something we have to do. We decided Nahanni National Park was the best option to accomplish this goal. We prepared for a day, being trained by a college student named Ricky, volunteering as a park ranger in his time off of school, apparently this is a popular thing.We packed our backpacks and began our hike up Sunblood Peak, It began difficult, but we found a groove at mile 7 or 8. We reached the top at about sundown, pitched our tents and waited for the aurora to light up our world. When it did i felt goosebumps all over my body. Dingbang and Jonas loved it. We were all dog tired, but this made it all worth it. We went to sleep, woke up and spent the morning together on Sunblood Peak, and then made our way back to the base camp. Ricky greeted us and gave us hot chocolates to sip on. He was very hospitable to us and I sauced a Sir Robert L. Borden (100 canadian dollar bill, that’s 75 USD) his way. He seemed astonished and grateful.Image result for sunblood peak

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We decided to slow things down and head to Vancouver, hundreds of miles away. We are a bunch of film lovers, and there is no better place for a film buff to visit besides perhaps hollywood. The city feels very clean, modern, sleek, and it fits with most any movie you can think of. We saw 3 film crews scouting potential filming locations just walking from our hotel in downtown to a little new york bagel place just a few blocks away. That afternoon, we took a scenic boat tour of downtown ShipFaced Vancouver Boat Tours treated us well, and Sir Robert was sauced their way. Pacific Spirit Regional park was a bit of a gem. Tucked at the end of the peninsula of Vancouver, we got some pizza for 50 CD and had a pizza picnic in the park. Popo and I met some divorced soccer moms and hit it off, I hadn’t realized that I have lost 45 pounds on this journey! I’m a very handsome man. We actually spent a few weeks here with them, Margaret and Rebekah, and the kids really hit it off. I think it’s time to stop the journey, sell the company, and spend time with my new family.

Wealthy White Male's New Son Cries for Joy in Jamaica

Image result for jamaicaImage result for jamaica treasure beachJamaica is so beautiful. Crystal beaches, colorful flora, and a great place to snorkel. We sailed into a port town in St.Elizabeth called Cutlass Point, just by Treasure Beach. One of my favorite things is that lots of the places names appear to be taken directly from bad pirate movies. We took a taxi ride up through Treasure beach for 500 Jamaican Dollars, past Mountainside and visited the Black River. The city of the same name is a center of environmental tourism, and it is deserving of this role. The four of us took a ride on the “Black River Safari”. That was fun, but the real fun came when we took a short flight to Kingston, a bustling city on the East side of Jamaica. It’s a wonderful city, but take just a short walk from anywhere in the city, and you’ll find a blue lagoon, a lush jungle, or a very appealing tourist attraction. We spent an afternoon at Dunn’s River Falls. It is so unlike anything I’d ever seen. So mesmerising. Everywhere you go there’s something beautiful to explore. We learned a great deal about Bob Marley just from walking around town talking to people. His face is everywhere. We had a great time and Jonas cried on a few occasion at how happy he was.Image result for jamaica black river

Wealthy White Male Finds Homes For Haitian Orphan Boys

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Image result for cite soleilRelated imageHaiti is where I used to pretend to be charitable, I would go and cut ribbons for children's shelters and lay the first brick of a rebuilding project. This time, I wanted to be truly charitable. I figured the most efficient way to do this was to adopt Dingbang a brother, as well as funding a community for 2 years, long enough to come out of poverty. In search of an impoverished young man, we headed to Cite Soleil, the poorest shanty town in the poorest province in the poorest country in the world. I almost immediately noticed a little boy sitting in the frame of what was once a home made of garbage. Stuck in the mud beside it were 3 graves“Stanley Stevens, age 38” “Nephtalie Stevens, age 34” and “Samantha Stevens, age 4”. Popo approached the boy, who was petting a large black pig, squatted down and placed his hand on his shoulder, and began to speak softly to him. The boy’s name was Jonas, he was 7 years old and wearing rags. Dingbang gave him a hug and asked if he needed an older brother. He agreed on one condition: That we would find homes for the other orphan boys in his neighborhood. He brought us through the gridded streets made by the government to house the poor to a rough, muddy alley where some boys were playing a game of football, their clothes were a bit nicer than Jonas’ but it was apparent there were no adults in their lives. Jonas then introduced us to Emmanuel, a 10 year old, Simon, a 4 year old, and big Wesley, a 12 year old. I contacted every nice man and woman I had met on my journey, and described the boys to them. Skip, the Australian Navy veteran had a son and his wife who adopted the little Simon, a good little boy who would love New Zealand, where Skips son, Michael lives with his family. Emmanuel, the well mannered 10 year old had been living on his own for 7 years, but the headmaster at a certain German boarding school saw him as the perfect candidate for the perfect son. And Wesley, massive, lumbering Wesley, was adopted by none other than Spicy Mchaggis himself, the bagpipe bad boy. I always thought that he would make a great father. I also made the commune of Cite Soleil my pet project. It wouldn’t happen overnight, but I contacted my heavy machinery guys and we made a plan.

Wealthy White Male Learns New Things In Cuba

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We stopped for a few days in Cuba which was different. I had never been to Cuba and I only understood the economics of the country. But behind the politics, the embargoes, the relations, lie a people of rich culture, fascinating stories, delicious food, and good deeds. We landed in Havana, a city many say is “trapped in the 50s”, however, I found the colorful old cars to be so unique and cool that I cannot agree. Just like every other place on this earth, Havana is a living, breathing society, incomparable to any other city.Image result for havana

Image result for havanaHavanas vibrant colors are one example of how this society, somewhat independently developing for years, has become more fun than ours, and has found the essence of what it means to be alive. The people I met oozed contentment, self-reliance, and a good attitude. Based on my own personal definition of “Art”, the city of Havana is a masterpiece. Popo bought us some plantains to snack on, just 1 Cuban Convertible Peso, or 1 Dollar. I’m not 100% on board with plantains, but when in Rome. Our time here was eye-opening, Dingbang made a little friend named Ozzie. Their Spanish is a bit different in some ways, but I understood the pleasant strangers I interacted with.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Wealthy White Male Misses Pat Morita

Image result for okinawaI’m a bit of a film buff, but one film from my life has affected me in a way that far surpasses any other movie in existence. That movie would have to be the critically acclaimed sequel to the hit Ralph Macchio film The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid, part 2. Most of the movie takes place in a land called Okinawa, a storied island where disputes are settled by to-the-death brawls in the middle of festivals. I wanted to participate in one of these brawls. Obviously I went to the real Okinawa. I googled the “ where is the castle from Karate Kid 2” only to find that the entirety of the film had been filmed in Oahu, Hawaii. I was greatly troubled as to why an honorable man like Pat Morita would let this happen. Noriyuki “Pat” Morita was the hero of my childhood. His portrayal of Arnold Takahashi in Happy Days was exquisite. Image result for karate kid 2

What was I to do now? Aimlessly wandering the island, I stumbled on an old shoppe with a little old lady inside. They had fruits and spices. It was a local store that took only Yen, and the Shichimi Togarashi was only 50 Yen! I bought some Shichimi and looked around some more. Tucked in the middle of a busy city street, the small store was peculiar. I heard a faint screaming coming from somewhere, I figured it was a nearby building, but when I saw the secret door behind the bananas, I knew. I asked the lady up front “Dono kurai no faitokurabu ni sanka suru ni wa?” The fight club cost 3000 Yen. Well worth it. She explained to me the rules and regulations of underground Okinawan Kung Fu. First rule of underground Okinawan Kung Fu is: You do not talk about underground Okinawan Kung Fu. I was battered, beaten and sore after fighting three sumo-level warriors. I decided to enter the betting area. I won some good money, walked out a free man. It was a good time, really brought me back to Karate Kid 2.

Wealthy White Male Visits France for the 43rd Time

We went to France, I’ve been here 43 times, but one more won’t hurt.

Our time at the Louvre:

Simply exquisite, the art was so good. If French is the language of love, the Louvre is the galleria of love. We skipped right over the Mona Lisa, as it is much too basic for my artistic eye. Personally, my favorite exhibit was the Bouchardon, a Sublime Idea of Beauty. Edme Bouchardon, a renowned French sculptor and draftsman, made some truly exquisite art pieces in his life from 1698 to 1762. He was sculptor to the king in his time and for good reason. He was very talented. The Louvre is such an interesting place, I’ve been there several times and never seen the same exhibitions twice. Then we walked down Malakoff to the state forest and ate some good bread, quite expensive actually, 15 euros a pop. The park was quite beautiful and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. We didn’t stay here long because I come here all the time.

Nous sommes allés en France, j'ai été ici 43 fois, mais un plus ne fera pas mal.

Notre temps au Louvre:

Simplement exquis, l'art était si bon. Si le français est la langue de l'amour, le Louvre est la galerie de l'amour. Nous avons sauté directement sur la Mona Lisa, car il est beaucoup trop basique pour mon oeil artistique. Personnellement, ma pièce préférée était le Bouchardon, une Sublime Idée de Beauté. Edmée Bouchardon, sculpteur et dessinateur français de renom, a fait des œuvres d'art vraiment exquises dans sa vie de 1698 à 1762. Il a été sculpteur pour le roi à son époque et pour une bonne raison. Il était très talentueux. Le Louvre est un endroit intéressant, j'ai été plusieurs fois et je n'ai jamais vu les mêmes expositions deux fois. Puis nous sommes descendus Malakoff à la forêt d'état et avons mangé un bon pain, assez cher en fait, 15 euros un pop. Le parc était très beau et je me suis bien amusé. Nous ne sommes pas restés ici longtemps parce que je viens ici tout le temps.

Wealthy White Male Meets Spicy Mchaggis

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We’re in Ireland, and Popo and I have been having problems. Popos favorite 90s Grunge band is Pearl Jam, and mine is the Pixies, and Dingbang is caught in the middle. We decided to ask the Celtic punk band, the Dropkick Murphys, who the best 90s grunge band of all is, to find out once and for all. The Dropkick Murphys are actually based in Massachusetts, but they’re in Ireland right now. Ken Casey, Matt Kelly, Al Barr, James Lynch, Tim Brennan, and Jeff DaRosa arrived at our hotel in Galway, The Jurys Inn. We chatted for about ten minutes before a emerald helicopter appeared in the sky. It landed like a bird of prey and a bedazzled man with bagpipes exited. It was Spicy Mchaggis, the bands bagpiper from 2000-2003. A brilliantly tattooed man in a shiny flat cap, the rest of the band sprinted towards him, crying as they went. Al Barr, the lead singer, fell at his feet, and began to beg, saying “oy, Spicy ma’boy, how bout you come play those pipes with us ‘gain eh? Whaddya say?” Spicy stroked his neckbeard solemnly, and spoke quietly, “Why that sounds wicked pissa.”. The Murphys rejoiced. I hoisted Dingbang onto my shoulders and we ran through the streets of Galway, singing songs and dancing. We stopped at O’Cladhy’s and picked up some soda bread and a few pints of Stout, and got back to the streets. It only cost a few Euros. Galway is a town of bright colors and nice people. We went to Eyre Square Centre and chillaxed a while. We took a vote of who the best 90s grunge band was and the answers varied but Nirvana earned the most votes. Spicy argued that if Kurt Cobain had lived a full life, Nirvana would’ve been immeasurably better than other grunge bands. Bogus. The Murphys were still cool though. The Eyre Square was having their annual “SANTA’S MAGICAL ARRIVAL” day which was fun. They really went all out, as the facebook post states: “Santa was visited by his friends, Minnie Mouse, Olaf and Mickey Mouse and the dancing elves who entertained the whole crowd.” The whole crowd was hundreds of people. The dancing elves were sadly sexualized, but the disney characters were awesome. Also, a man name Bernard the Magician was an entertainer and he was wonderful. His tricky, were so tricky, his gimmicks, so gimmicky, and his accent was delightful. We spent a good portion of the there in the square. We held a concert that night at a stoneclad pub just around the corner from the Eyre Square Centre, and the Dropkick Murphys were on their game with their favorite bagpiper, Spicy Mchaggis back on the team.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Wealthy White Male can't afford to give Burmese child a proper education

Image result for stuttgart waldorf schoolImage result for german currywurst school grossThen we traveled to the land of order and discipline: Germany. Popo spent a couple weeks with his family in Togo.     Dingbang has been getting pretty sassy lately. My extravagant, luxurious parenting style has gone to his head. My childhood was similar as I was the son of the wealthiest Jew in the world. Scott Sr. sent me to a Waldorf school in Stuttgart, Germany. This is where I learned most of my languages. At age 6, I spoke only english and hebrew, but I quickly learned French, Mandarin, Spanish and most importantly, German. German is my second favorite language because to truly be fluent, one must hold a state of constant anger. Waldorf schools now spread across the world, 881 worldwide, but my little brick prison was the very first. Founded in 1919 by Rudolf Steiner, it was made to be the first school to implement social justice in education. According to Boarding School Finder, a service of Internet Course Finders, “The anthroposophical approach guarantees that every child will get support depending on their individual development and maturity status.” I am not sure what Waldorf school they speak of, but in the 70s, Waldorf in Stuttgart was a cold, dark, godless place. We had electricity in our rooms, but we often lost the privilege of running water. Everyday for 8 years we ate Pork knuckles and currywurst. Pork knuckles are literally the joints of pigs, and currywurst is random old sausages covered in disgusting sauces. I took Dingbang to this place so that he may suffer, because I love him. When we arrived in Stuttgart, I was greatly disappointed. As a young, female teacher walked Dingbang and I around the facility, I was given a pamphlet. I read the pamphlet to find the horrifying reality of this place. I quote, “The curriculum is integrated, inter-disciplinary and artistic. Thus imagination and creativity which are most important for the individual as well as for society are awakened and developed.” end quote. Where is the justice? Where is the order? Where are the pork knuckles? I suppose a lot has changed in the waldorf world since last I attended in 1970something. Not to mention that for my income level the price of admission was astronomical, 60000 euros per semester (64000 USD approx). We met back up with Popo empty handed, we had gained no education.Image result for imagination spongebobImage result for german stuff

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Wealthy White Male Meets Kaboose, the Absolute Monarch

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Oh man, is Oman a place to visit. Tourism in Oman has blossomed in the last forty years. Oman’s capital in Muscat was named the number 2 place to visit in 2012. Thats pretty good!
It is for this reason I decided to go there with Popo and Dingbang. Popo was scared at first, the Arabic language gives him headaches, but many of the people involved in tourism spoke english. We went out to dinner at a very nice restaurant the first night and it only cost about 30 Omani rial (only about 75 USD for the three of us). I had a Mashuai, which is a whole roasted Kingfish. Dazzling, very delicious, particularly fancy in Omani culture. This traditional meal satiated our bellies, and we went back to the hotel. Our room cost 60 rial, or $150 USD. This price was well worth it, the service was exquisite. A man named Walood helped us to our room and I tipped him a hot 50 rial note. He was very a very personable lad. Muscat is a bustling city. The Sultan, or king of Oman is Qaboos bin Said al Said. He’s 76, but I’d say he looks pretty good for his age. He shall henceforth be referred to as “King Kaboose”.

I requested to meet him, and he agreed. We met up at the Al Alam Palace, the ceremonious palace of the Omani Sultanate. It is a very unique, somewhat small palace of bright colors and unorthodox architecture. It was interesting to have a meal with an absolute monarch. King Kaboose overthrew his father in 1970, and has since kept a perfect complexion and a very classy beard. His beard has turned white, his turban has become colorful, but his spirit of Omani pride has held steadfast. Kaboose refused to be swept into Saudi Arabia’s influence, as much of the region was. This idea of independence has made Oman the center of non-oil industry in the GCC area. Kaboose’s kitchen servants brought us delectable kebabs of beef, grilled to perfection. We also had Mashuai, a kingfish dish I found unappealing after one bite. I like most foods, but this was nasty. The Kaboose took no offense. Popo and Dingbang sat quietly whilst Kaboosey and I talked about economic sectors and such. What a good week.
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Thursday, November 10, 2016

Wealthy White Male opens a can of Whoop-Ass

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Image result for hagia sophia entranceNow me must travel to a land with the same name as my sixth favorite protein (Pork, Crustacean, Chicken, Beef, Venison, Turkey). I say we must because my whole life has led up to the moment I entered the land of Turkey. I met this woman online, her name is Berna. Berna is the most beautiful woman. I’ve never actually spoke to her but we’re friends on instagram. We connected and she told me to transfer 125000 Turkish Lira (35000 USD) to her and meet her at the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul. 35k is a drop in the bucket and I didn’t think much of it. I met her at the entrance of Hagia Sophia.

The Hagia Sophia was quite beautiful, I visited the museum which cost 40 Lira. Dingbang would've recieved free access, as he is only 9. The Byzantine architecture was astonishing. Constructed in 537, it has a rich history as a basilica, a mosque, a basilica again, a mosque again, then a museum. It is currently a museum. While I was waiting, I got some Uzbek Pilaf, a traditional rice and lamb dish. Simply exquisite. The Turks know how to cook, lemme tell ya.

 I waited for about an hour, but she never came. As I walked back to the hotel I heard a gunshot and a basket just near me exploded, so I ran. More gunshots followed and I found Popo and Dingbang tied to chairs in our hotel room. A man creeped out from the bathroom with a gun in hand. He introduced himself as Berna Vago, a hitman from Izmir tasked with killing me after stealing much of my fortune. That’s all he got out before I pulled out my emergency knife and stabbed him. I stabbed him quickly in chest whilst I grabbed the gun from his hand, expelled the magazine and and hit Berna swiftly upside the head with it. He was very surprised at my speed and agility when threatened with death. Berna was not the most beautiful woman, he was just a hitman who wasn’t very good at his job. I suspect he thought I would be an easy mark, but my lack of emotional stress gave me the distinct advantage of being in full control of my body and mind. Stabbing that man felt real good. Unfortunately, there were more incompetent hitmen running up the stairs to the 4th floor where we were. Dingbang fashioned a rope from Popos quilt collection while Popo and I defended the doorway with knife and gun, tooth and nail. We held the door shut tightly but one bullet managed to split the grain of the hardwood, penetrating the skin of my ankle. It hurt like a mother trucker, but the pain only fueled my strength. I tore the granite counter from the kitchen cupboards and ordered Popester to open the door on three. He obliged and he flung the door open and I hurled the massive chunk at the men. I suspect they were crushed. The silence didn’t last long and the pounding soon returned. Dingbang tied the quilted rope to window AC unit and informed us of his completion. I told Dingbang to slowly exit the building and wait for us in our van in the east lot. As I spoke, the hitmen overpowered us for a moment, allowing time to toss a pipe bomb into the room and run. (cue the slow motion) Popo and I immediately ran to the open window, arms flailing, gunshots poured through the now open door, as the hitmen backed up to the stairs at the end of the corridor. Popo’s fear of heights almost got the best of him, but I got him to leave the window sill as the time bomb ticked at 15 seconds. Popo wept as he slowly crept down the fabric like a spider. He wasn’t going fast enough for me to follow him. The bomb was at 5 seconds, a bead of sweat fell from my brow, I had noticed an awning to the right of me, just one floor down. Without hesitation I lept like a squirrel and clung to the side of the awning. The bomb set a blaze of glory flying through the window behind me. My level of mass was too much for the Turkish awning, and one side snapped, and I was left dangling from a swinging awning three stories up. I clambered onto the window sill of a third floor room. I elbowed the glass and shattered both the window and my bone. I bloodily slithered into the dark room to find a German couple scoodlypooping. I asked the naked man “Hast du eine pistole?” He did have a gun. I rushed into the lobby a mess, the front desk flooded with guests asking about the loud noise on the 4th floor. I spotted one of Bernas henchmen and popped him square in the tushy, incapacitating him. I joined my friends in the van and we drove to the airport. We didn’t want to risk spending any extra time in a Turkish hospital. Image result for van

Wealthy White Male is a Jew

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In the past, we have visited both Popo and Dingbangs hometowns. That’s where I found them. But now, on this glorious November day, we shall travel to my origin. I was born in the small town of Metula, Israel to a very Jewish mother and a very wealthy father. Metula is on the Israel Lebanon border, 135 miles from Jerusalem. It’s population is a mighty 2500. In Israel, it is seen as a wealthy community which draws Israeli tourists from around the country, especially schoolchildren. Metula has a rich history dating back to the Roman-Byzantine era. But who cares about that, the 14th richest man in the world was born there. I started out with only a small loan of 4 million shekels (1 million USD), which is nothing compared to what I’ve built. I say that not in a bragging way but because that is the way we need to think. Israel is a beautiful land with beautiful people. My family greeted me as I entered my childhood home. We shook hands and I went to my childhood bedroom to cry. I cried about my loss of innocence, I cried about being a 40-something year old virgin, and I cried about the rush of emotion I felt looking at my star of david bedspread. This poster I made hung above the head of my bed. This was and is my vision of God. I have never been artistically or creatively or intellectually talented, but when I was 8, my mother bought me some paint. I closed my eyes, and this was the end result. This is the coming messiah. Image result for jewImage result for israel mansions

Anyway, I showed my son my home and introduced Popo and Dingbang to my many manservants. I told Lucille to make her finest Shakshouka for my boy. It takes a few days for a full tour of the house, so I decided our time would be best spent here if Popo and Dingbang didn’t see the whole facility. Most people don’t know of my Jewish heritage, but my Grandfather paid the Nazis to let his family go to the Holy land for the holocaust. In 1956, construction began on the largest private home in Israel to date. Our biggest regret is when a Scot married the only daughter of the last Horowitz of our bloodline in 1694. This is why our name is Henderson, but we’re super Jewish. Dingbang has epilepsy, and our extravagance was too much for the poor boy. So we left with bellies full of Falafel and heads full of Yamaka.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Wealthy White Male Takes Second Place In Mongolian Wrestlemania

So now Im in mongolia, right? And Im just minding my own business with my new son and best friend, eating my traditional boortsog (I love animal fat, it cost 12500 Tugrik, or $5.50 USD) and this old man walks up to me speaking mongolian, so I thought he was asking me to participate in a mongolian festival, Naadam. I had heard of it briefly, it seemed quite interesting.Mongolian-wrestler-6485125.jpgImage result for mongolian food

What I had not heard of was the art of mongolian wrestling. I had just signed up to be in a tournament with 1000 other chubby guys who compete to throw each other on the ground. Literally, you can punch, kick, spit, bite, headbutt, whatever, you just can’t let anything touch the ground but your cowboy boots. Apparently this competition is a big deal in Mongolia. Anyway, Popo signed up as well, also not knowing what he was signing up for. After it was explained to us, we both vomited. We would wear cowboy boots, a diaper, a v neck crop top and a hat that looked like Mulan when she was pretending to be Ping.

300px-Naadamceremony2006.jpg Due to our sheer size, Popo and I did very well in the early stages of competition. It wasn’t until the round of 64 we ran into trouble. We both came out with narrow victories. Our matches became more public, and the Mongolians became upset that 2 foreigners were still in the ring. By the time there were only 8 left, people were furious. Our opponents fought for their hon or, and the honor of their country. I slaughtered the tiny ninja set before me, as did Popo to his short, flabby opponent. With only 4 left, I now faced the predestined winner of the Wrestling tournament, Batbayar, or “Strong-Joy”. A lumbering mass of muscle, I had to use my endurance, quickness, and strength to overpower the beast. I did overpower him, as did Popo his enemy. Popo and I now had two choices: Fight each other, equally matched in every way, until we literally die, or pull a Hunger Games, and threaten to kill ourselves. Naturally, we chose option 1. We donned our mongolian silk, stood before the Nadaam crowd, waved, they booed, and I let Popo win. I couldn’t watch my friend suffer in the eternal torment of an infinite wrestling match with me. It was the right thing to do, he was awarded 45000000 Tugrik, and we went on our merry way. Dingbang enjoyed all of this immensely, to watch his new papa crush all those men, it filled him with joy.Mongolia_JoelSantos_19.jpg

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Wealthy White Male adopts a boy he found in a Burmese Garbage pile

Image result for myanmar povertyFollowing Popo’s brilliant experiences in Tokyo, he felt the need to do something nice for others. We travelled to Myanmar to help build houses for impoverished communities along the Yangon River. To gain full access to resources in the area, we used Myanmar’s corruption against them. We gave them money which they “promised to give to the poor”. We knew they wouldn’t, but we needed access in order to give money and food directly. I busted out my australian work boots, my long white socks and my visor. I was ready to pretend to be a good person. We were working just outside a village our second day when a young boy named Phyu approached us and and gave us some bread. Such a little cho, that boy. He looked to be around 8, I gave him 641 million Myanmar Kyat, or a half a million dollars. I later found out that that boy opened a classy restaurant in the city which employed only those from his village. Phyu revitalised a whole community with my help. I felt only pride at my accomplishment. We continued along that river, bringing a caravan of bread and pulled pork. Burmese people love pulled pork, especially the ones who haven’t a real meal in days. Seeing the adoration of the peasants in Myanmar gave Popo a real sense of fulfillment. The picture here is of a boy named Dingbang, which means “protect the country”. He is an orphan. On our final day, a family invited us for a traditional Burmese meal. It consisted of a bowl of soup, flavorful rice, and several meat curries, along with various vegetables and dips. While we enjoyed this delightful meal, Dingbang, the boy from before, snuck into our plane with the rest of the pulled pork caravan. That evening, when I found the crying boy, I was greatly troubled. I have never been very in touch with my emotions. I am unfit to raise a child. Fortunately, Dingbang was 13, and when you turn 13, you’re a young man. I think I can handle a young man. Dingbang had 15 kyat in his pocket, no shirt, no shoes, a few warts on his feet, but he was a handsome lad. He will fit nicely with Popo and I. His favorite food is Palata, a Burmese flatbread which is quite good. His favorite color is green, and he speaks Burmese, a Mandarin dialect which I speak, and limited English. Dingbang Choru Henderson, heir to the throne of Henderson Enterprises.Image result for burmese language

Monday, October 31, 2016

Wealthy White Male Helps Popo Get Lucky

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Next we traveled to my favorite city on earth, Tokyo. Tokyo is the ‘weird, fat uncle who pirates movies for you’ of major cities. It’s big, colorful, and the closer you look the more you realize what an unhinged place it is. I am the epitome of the salaryman, and Tokyo is famous for bringing the ‘12 year old who just discovered sex’ out of average salarymen. On the first day, Popo and I visited an underground energy drink factory underneath block 51 and paid 5000 yen (about $45) for the experimental drug called Five-Day Energy. It is similar to Five-Hour Energy in all but one way, and that the strength is 24 times stronger. We took the pills, the “doctors” put us into the “hossa-shitsu” or seizure chamber, and once we stabilized, we were free to go.

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We spent our days in the Onsen parks, (hot springs) bathing in complete serenity, onlookers fascinated by Popo and I’s conversations in french. Most parks cost 3000 yen per day. We would drink cocktails out of cubic watermelons, and a bowl of dried baby crabs by the pool. We spent twelve hours a day at the Onsen pools but the real fun came when the sun went down.

On the first night, I showed Popo the art form of Manga, a beautiful and mind boggling craft. I’m not a big fan of octoporn, but the culture surrounding manga in Tokyo enjoys it. The best way to experience a good manga is to be alone in a dimly lit room with a headlamp and a clear mind. Manga transports you, and Popo agreed after I showed him the magic of Oishinbo, a cooking manga. Popo is a bit of a “kuishinbo” (he loves food) so this manga was perfect. Oishinbo.jpg

The second night, with Popo being a young, handsome single man, we went clubbing. I was the classic billionaire wingman. We went to Genius, a classy, fancier night club, and Popo got no love, I tried to be a as close to him as possible so the ladies would smell my cologne and think it was his. We struck out. This repeated at 3 more clubs, until at one night club, I went to the bathroom, only to come out to find that Popo was doing better without my masculine aroma. This was hard for me to take, Popo and his lady friend got a hotel room and Popo smiled the entirety of the following day.

The third and fourth nights are exceedingly blurry in my memory, but I do know Popo got lucky both nights. I also know that I got a gut full of piss (Aussie slang for sick drunk). We had a good time overall, Popo had a blast with his cooking mangas, and his ladies.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Wealthy White Male Doesn't recreate movies using sheep; Does not meet Russell Crowe

Then Popo and I went to New Zealand, for no particular reason. The people there spoke ENGLISH, with a few native people speaking MAORI. Approximately 4.471 humans is the POPULATION. People in New Zealand pay for things with NEW ZEALAND DOLLARS. The CAPITAL of New Zealand is Wellington. We went to the Hotel Ibis in Wellington and it cost $83 NZD per night. The continental breakfast was pretty good.Related image

On the first day, we woke up and ate food. The food we ate was Kumara, a traditional Maori sweet potato dish. Mmmm… Tasty! Then we visited some Lord of The Rings filming sites because that’s what tourists are supposed to do. Boy howdy was that a cool experience. It took an hour and ten minutes to fly to the place they have Hobbiton built. It’s just near a city called Hamilton. It’s really cool.

Did you know that New Zealand has more sheep than people? Wowzers, that’s a whole lot of wool! Initially, my dream was to recreate the Lord of the Rings trilogy substituting sheep for all the characters but Popo said my dreams were stupid. Apparently it is unrealistic to gather 20000 sheep and spend millions of dollars on three blockbusters. Also, I wanted to catch up with my good friend Russell Crowe, but Popo didnt like that idea either. Gosh darn!

More tourist stuff then! The Maori people love to dance. Hey, I like to dance as well! We went to Tamaki Maori Village, a tourist trap attraction outside of Rotorua city. They offer traditional musical dance shows, arts and crafts lessons, and food! Wowzie Wow Wow, that’s an exciting lineup! Popo and I together spent $240 NZD on one evening experience. Amazingingly expensive!Image result for maori village

I might not have done anything unique or different on my trip to New Zealand, but Bang Howdy was I ever a boring American tourist!

Wealthy White Male is an Aussie Bloke

Image result for australian clothesNext, I journeyed to the city of Tumbarumba, New South Wales, Australia, to fulfill a dream of mine. I have always longed to be an Aussie bloke. I gave Popo a vacation from where he visited the great barrier reef, a dream of his. Busselton was an average city, it didn’t receive many tourists, so I figured it would be a good place to go undercover as an Australian. My name would be Rocco “Hammerhead” Murphy, an Australian botanist and veteran of the Australian Navy. I was visiting on a trip to interview residents about the environmental upkeep in Tumbarumba (Rocco is a bit of a greenie). Rocco was staying with a friend on Adelaide st. (I bought the house) to avoid suspicion. The accent and slang were no problem, I’d been studying since I was an ankle biter. I had to pay 3500 Australian Dollars (2700 USD) for a 12 year old actor to play my son for the trip. His character’s name was Buster, an inquisitive and loving little bugger. Every morning I would wake up at the crack of dawn, put on my akubra and went on a run. I’d listen to Aussie talk radio and smell the eucalyptus crunch beneath my sand shoes. I’d stop and the servo and pick up some cheddar twisties for Buster. Each day I would interview 3 random citizens about their environmental habits. Most were uneventful, but one, with a man who went by Skip, was a ripper of an interview. Absolutely top. He too was in the Navy in the 1960s, a sailor for the HMAS Arunta, a destroyer. Since then he has been a bit of a bushranger, a real ocker but I didnt mind. He’s been all around the bush, a lone roamer, traveling across never never land. Skip told me about his experiences with the earth, all the piss he splashed in its sand, and what an important thing it is that we kill all the bandicoots in Australia for our own safety. Skip had a few signs of dementia, but he was mostly all there. This was certainly my favorite trip yet.TumbarumbaNSW200504.JPG