Thursday, September 29, 2016

Wealthy White Male has more than 16 yachts!

This morning we set out with a train of yachts 17 yachts strong. We were traveling to my least favorite multicontinent landmass, Afro-Eurasia. A frightening proposition indeed the existence of hundreds of complex cultures. It’s giving me the shivers. So many people living in poverty. I wish that there was some way to help without spending time, money, or resources on sustainable solutions. I entered a hibernatory sleep around 27 minutes from departure. I woke up with a grand idea.Image result for gold yachts

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Wealthy White Male and the Shopping Cart Crusade

Next on my adventure I decided to fulfill a childhood dream of mine. I was going to be a hero.

The Plan:

  1. Travel to Caracas, Venezuela, worlds most violent city, 119.87 murder rate.
  2. Go to the bad part of town in my state of the art, 7 million dollar bulletproof suit
  3. Wait for murder to occur
  4. Save victim heroically and finally earn the respect of my dying father
Image result for venezuela map

Image result for geraldoWhat a good plan, I love my plans. Despite my excellent planning power, my plan did not work. My suit limited mobility, so my loyal servants pushed me around the crime ridden streets of Caracas in a shopping cart. It took a startling small amount of time before a murder took place. Two men, Rodrigo and Geraldo were engaged in a standoff. I let out a childlike giggle. Rodrigo fired and I jumped into action, like a fleeting gazelle my shopping cart roared down the beaten street to save Geraldo. Unfortunately, to my dismay, it is impossible to save the life of a man with no head. The official language of Venezuela is Spanish so I shouted at Geraldo’s neck hole saying “quedarse conmigo Geraldo” He didn’t stay with me. I wept at my own failure, it took several seconds to get over the death of Geraldo. I’ve been called a sociopath, a sadistic mad man, a narcissistic psychopath, and even an insensitive robot, but I saw Geraldo die, I felt a minor stinging sensation in my heart. I went to Maute Grill on la California but they didn’t open until 11 am. Today was a terrible day, I think I need to go somewhere that I may simplify my lifestyle.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Wealthy White Male Destroys Machu Picchu

20 minutes later after a ride on my experimental VTOL supersonic private jet, we were preparing to land in peru. I told the pilot I was going to visit Machu Picchu, and in his abundant loyalty, he landed in the ruins of Machu Picchu, destroying 45% of the ruins and injuring 3 tourists. This show of obedience made me very proud. Unfortunately my punishment for for this wonderful cataclysm was a 3 hour class on the historical importance of Machu Picchu. *ahem* Machu picchu was most likely a citadel estate for the Inca emperor Pachacuti, though the exact use of the city in the sky is still unknown. Machu Picchu is our best evidence of the urban achievements of the inca empire. *snore* A masterfully crafted piece of ancient engineering. *bla bla bla* The Incas built the structure with no iron, no steel, and no wheels. *much wow* Although I took a different route, Machu Picchu is traditionally meant to be reached by foot. To a certain extent I feel bad for what I’ve done, the more than 75000 visitors per year won’t be able to enjoy 45% of Machu Picchu. However, my personal happiness regarding the rush I felt makes up for that guilt tenfold. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Wealthy White Male Purchases Panamanian City

This morning I found myself bathing in the wrong currency. Thankfully, Panamanian Balboas have a pegged exchange rate with US dollars, so I was able to trade my 2.84 Billion dollars. I was in the delightful city of Santiago, the capital of the province Veraguas with my “friend”. It was then I decided to purchase the city of Santiago, all in all it shaked out to be about 325 million Balboas, about 1.03% of my total fortune. It has since been explained to me by my only “friend” (who I now know his name is Jorge), that I now control the province of Veraguas. Pretty neat! Provinces are so cheap nowadays. Panama is hands down my favorite isthmus. It is also my second favorite nation to hide my tax dollars. I decided to learn about my new found province by entreating commoners to a dinner earlier this night. I met a man named Guadalupe, he owned a restaurante that sold mostly corn based dishes, because Panamanians are in to that. Guady treated me to a Torrejita, telling me it was like a corn fritter. I thought it was disgusting. This all around “nice person”, Guadalupe was a real help explaining to me the importance of dance in Panamanian culture. I refused to move my body in rhythmic motions. It is unholy. It was also explained that panamanian culture is closely related to Native American culture. Native Americans peeve me. When you hear about the white man stealing America from the Natives, I am that white man.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Wealthy White Male Makes His First "Friend"

My world travels begin on a routine business excursion to Buenos Aires, Argentina when an emergency landing put my private plane in a small panamese airfield that would remind one of the Indiana Jones franchise. My travels were meant to allow me to purchase a 6 million peso piece of land. This land would be the epicenter of my tea industry in Argentina. Argentines drink tea like its red bull and they're freshmen in college. It's a part of many of their indigenous rituals. I decided to exploit their culture for my own benefit. Unfortunately, following the crash, I decided that wasn't worth Scott Hendersons precious time. After landing, my servants unload my fat stacks of cash from the belly of the jet. It takes 17 hours for my 12 servants to unload my cash stacks. I now have taken this opportunity to share with the common people of Panama, my adventures as a powerful, global business force. I was greeted by a peasant today, he seemed delighted to see my money bags. I enjoyed that feeling, I usually do not turn my gaze on average humans, but today I made an exception. I made a "friend".

Image result for emergency landing in the jungle