Thursday, September 22, 2016

Wealthy White Male and the Shopping Cart Crusade

Next on my adventure I decided to fulfill a childhood dream of mine. I was going to be a hero.

The Plan:

  1. Travel to Caracas, Venezuela, worlds most violent city, 119.87 murder rate.
  2. Go to the bad part of town in my state of the art, 7 million dollar bulletproof suit
  3. Wait for murder to occur
  4. Save victim heroically and finally earn the respect of my dying father
Image result for venezuela map

Image result for geraldoWhat a good plan, I love my plans. Despite my excellent planning power, my plan did not work. My suit limited mobility, so my loyal servants pushed me around the crime ridden streets of Caracas in a shopping cart. It took a startling small amount of time before a murder took place. Two men, Rodrigo and Geraldo were engaged in a standoff. I let out a childlike giggle. Rodrigo fired and I jumped into action, like a fleeting gazelle my shopping cart roared down the beaten street to save Geraldo. Unfortunately, to my dismay, it is impossible to save the life of a man with no head. The official language of Venezuela is Spanish so I shouted at Geraldo’s neck hole saying “quedarse conmigo Geraldo” He didn’t stay with me. I wept at my own failure, it took several seconds to get over the death of Geraldo. I’ve been called a sociopath, a sadistic mad man, a narcissistic psychopath, and even an insensitive robot, but I saw Geraldo die, I felt a minor stinging sensation in my heart. I went to Maute Grill on la California but they didn’t open until 11 am. Today was a terrible day, I think I need to go somewhere that I may simplify my lifestyle.

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