Monday, October 31, 2016

Wealthy White Male Helps Popo Get Lucky

Due to complicated metaphors included within this post, some phrases have been put into ‘ ‘s Image result for tokyo at night
Next we traveled to my favorite city on earth, Tokyo. Tokyo is the ‘weird, fat uncle who pirates movies for you’ of major cities. It’s big, colorful, and the closer you look the more you realize what an unhinged place it is. I am the epitome of the salaryman, and Tokyo is famous for bringing the ‘12 year old who just discovered sex’ out of average salarymen. On the first day, Popo and I visited an underground energy drink factory underneath block 51 and paid 5000 yen (about $45) for the experimental drug called Five-Day Energy. It is similar to Five-Hour Energy in all but one way, and that the strength is 24 times stronger. We took the pills, the “doctors” put us into the “hossa-shitsu” or seizure chamber, and once we stabilized, we were free to go.

Image result for onsen parks
We spent our days in the Onsen parks, (hot springs) bathing in complete serenity, onlookers fascinated by Popo and I’s conversations in french. Most parks cost 3000 yen per day. We would drink cocktails out of cubic watermelons, and a bowl of dried baby crabs by the pool. We spent twelve hours a day at the Onsen pools but the real fun came when the sun went down.

On the first night, I showed Popo the art form of Manga, a beautiful and mind boggling craft. I’m not a big fan of octoporn, but the culture surrounding manga in Tokyo enjoys it. The best way to experience a good manga is to be alone in a dimly lit room with a headlamp and a clear mind. Manga transports you, and Popo agreed after I showed him the magic of Oishinbo, a cooking manga. Popo is a bit of a “kuishinbo” (he loves food) so this manga was perfect. Oishinbo.jpg

The second night, with Popo being a young, handsome single man, we went clubbing. I was the classic billionaire wingman. We went to Genius, a classy, fancier night club, and Popo got no love, I tried to be a as close to him as possible so the ladies would smell my cologne and think it was his. We struck out. This repeated at 3 more clubs, until at one night club, I went to the bathroom, only to come out to find that Popo was doing better without my masculine aroma. This was hard for me to take, Popo and his lady friend got a hotel room and Popo smiled the entirety of the following day.

The third and fourth nights are exceedingly blurry in my memory, but I do know Popo got lucky both nights. I also know that I got a gut full of piss (Aussie slang for sick drunk). We had a good time overall, Popo had a blast with his cooking mangas, and his ladies.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Wealthy White Male Doesn't recreate movies using sheep; Does not meet Russell Crowe

Then Popo and I went to New Zealand, for no particular reason. The people there spoke ENGLISH, with a few native people speaking MAORI. Approximately 4.471 humans is the POPULATION. People in New Zealand pay for things with NEW ZEALAND DOLLARS. The CAPITAL of New Zealand is Wellington. We went to the Hotel Ibis in Wellington and it cost $83 NZD per night. The continental breakfast was pretty good.Related image

On the first day, we woke up and ate food. The food we ate was Kumara, a traditional Maori sweet potato dish. Mmmm… Tasty! Then we visited some Lord of The Rings filming sites because that’s what tourists are supposed to do. Boy howdy was that a cool experience. It took an hour and ten minutes to fly to the place they have Hobbiton built. It’s just near a city called Hamilton. It’s really cool.

Did you know that New Zealand has more sheep than people? Wowzers, that’s a whole lot of wool! Initially, my dream was to recreate the Lord of the Rings trilogy substituting sheep for all the characters but Popo said my dreams were stupid. Apparently it is unrealistic to gather 20000 sheep and spend millions of dollars on three blockbusters. Also, I wanted to catch up with my good friend Russell Crowe, but Popo didnt like that idea either. Gosh darn!

More tourist stuff then! The Maori people love to dance. Hey, I like to dance as well! We went to Tamaki Maori Village, a tourist trap attraction outside of Rotorua city. They offer traditional musical dance shows, arts and crafts lessons, and food! Wowzie Wow Wow, that’s an exciting lineup! Popo and I together spent $240 NZD on one evening experience. Amazingingly expensive!Image result for maori village

I might not have done anything unique or different on my trip to New Zealand, but Bang Howdy was I ever a boring American tourist!

Wealthy White Male is an Aussie Bloke

Image result for australian clothesNext, I journeyed to the city of Tumbarumba, New South Wales, Australia, to fulfill a dream of mine. I have always longed to be an Aussie bloke. I gave Popo a vacation from where he visited the great barrier reef, a dream of his. Busselton was an average city, it didn’t receive many tourists, so I figured it would be a good place to go undercover as an Australian. My name would be Rocco “Hammerhead” Murphy, an Australian botanist and veteran of the Australian Navy. I was visiting on a trip to interview residents about the environmental upkeep in Tumbarumba (Rocco is a bit of a greenie). Rocco was staying with a friend on Adelaide st. (I bought the house) to avoid suspicion. The accent and slang were no problem, I’d been studying since I was an ankle biter. I had to pay 3500 Australian Dollars (2700 USD) for a 12 year old actor to play my son for the trip. His character’s name was Buster, an inquisitive and loving little bugger. Every morning I would wake up at the crack of dawn, put on my akubra and went on a run. I’d listen to Aussie talk radio and smell the eucalyptus crunch beneath my sand shoes. I’d stop and the servo and pick up some cheddar twisties for Buster. Each day I would interview 3 random citizens about their environmental habits. Most were uneventful, but one, with a man who went by Skip, was a ripper of an interview. Absolutely top. He too was in the Navy in the 1960s, a sailor for the HMAS Arunta, a destroyer. Since then he has been a bit of a bushranger, a real ocker but I didnt mind. He’s been all around the bush, a lone roamer, traveling across never never land. Skip told me about his experiences with the earth, all the piss he splashed in its sand, and what an important thing it is that we kill all the bandicoots in Australia for our own safety. Skip had a few signs of dementia, but he was mostly all there. This was certainly my favorite trip yet.TumbarumbaNSW200504.JPG

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Wealthy White Male Slaps 9 year old Samoan Dancer

Image result for american samoa culture From Ja’Booty Popo and I flew to the American Samoa in Oceania. That was all the instruction I gave to the pilot. He landed me in Apolima, the smallest inhabited island. 75 people live in the small settlement of Apolima Tai. The town rest on cliffs that were once the rim of a huge volcano. These three men, Malaki, Luapo, and Ofato, taught me some cultural dances and festivities. Dancing is too popular all over the world. It really is not a fun thing for me. Nonetheless, the Samoans love it so I cannot argue. In Apolima, they use my favorite form of currency, the American Dollar. It felt so good to buy a boat with US cash money, even if it was a canoe. The Samoans speak Samoan and English, so they could converse with me fully. However, I find it exceedingly difficult to trust a stranger speaking in a language I do not understand. They could be saying anything.
After the boys treated Popo and I to a traditional seafood feast, Luapo took me aside and insisted that I participate in the following evenings Fa’ataupati, or “Samoan Slap Dance”. Initially, I was skeptical, but gradually the idea intrigued me. I agreed to try and learn, but made no guarantee of my participation in the official performance.Image result for samoan apolima

Luapo was ecstatic and took me at once to see “The Slapster of Apolima”, a young boy named Petelo. He was a flabby young fellow, but quite nimble. His hair flowed like a truffula tree from the animated hit, The Lorax. Petelo began his teaching by sharing a proverb of sorts, “pe siva le tagata papaʻe gaʻo, o le taufusi lūlūina ma le mataʻu” Luapo told me later the English meaning, “when the fat white man dances, the swamp shakes with fear” Then came the slapping… and oh how we slapped. We slapped for a while before the 9 year old Slapster told me “sinasina tagata ua agavaa” or “White man has potential”. We slapped as the sun set and we slapped as the sun rose. Popo, Petelo, and Scott, the Clap’n’Slap Kings of Apolima, that’s how the show was marketed. One third of Apolimas population attended, 25 patrons. Tickets were sold for 50 cents each.
Popos performance lacked the same luster as Petelo and I’s. Popo had no chub to slap, making that nice loud smack sound difficult. I could see why they called the small boy, Slapster, he was wonderful. It didn’t feel like dancing, it felt like satisfying an animalistic urge to slap in a culturally traditional way. 7 hours of slap dancing and we were ready for the grand finale. We called it the Triangle of Truth. We screamed bloody murder whilst uncontrollably slapping the other men, one with one hand, one with the other. There was something absurdly beautiful about the Samoan Slap Dance. After all the slap clapping we hadn’t slept for 36 hours. After hibernating for 3 more days, it was time to go.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Wealthy White Male Reviews Hotel Reviews

Djibouti, a country in the horn of Africa (pronounced Ja’Booty, as it shall be referred to during the duration of this travel summary) is a wondrous land of diversity, culture, and customs. Ja’Bootyans use Somali and Afar as their mother tongues, while Arabic and French are the countries official languages. Casual wear is accepted despite Ja’Booty being a predominantly muslim country. My short stay in Djibouti City (Ja’Booty City) was a good one. Popo and I stayed in Sheraton Djibouti Hôtel, which is literally the most expensive hotel in Ja’booty. The service was utterly excellent, no problems. The breakfast was very modern and delicious. Most employees were under the French speaking, liberal muslim umbrella. They were professional, and as it distinctly shows on the website, they offered the EXACT. SAME. ROOM. for three different prices. We are talking about tens of thousands of Djiboutian Francs a night. A whopping 29% of guests would recommend the Sheraton Djibouti Hôtel to their friends. Remember this is the Most Expensive Hotel I could find in Djibouti, which means only the finest services. It had a very nice looking espresso machine also. Here are some helpful reviews of this hundreds of dollars a night beach resort by a prestigious company:Image result for sheraton djibouti hôtel

Stay Kempinsky
August 22, 2016
Just finished a 16 night stay in this dump. Rooms smelled of smoke, took shower about 20 minutes to get luke warm water, breakfast is dismal, but the best of all is that the staff tries to get you to pay for things you didnt order of purchase. My Co worker and I sat down in lobby for a beer after work. We had two each served by two different attendants. He went up to pay and we then went upstairs. When we returned down later the first woman who served us started yelling at him that he didn't pay. He explained what happened but she would hear none of it. He just paid again to not make a scene. Another Co worker came down and the same woman did the same thing to him but he actually never even had a drink. He refused her demands. On checkout I settled up my bill and waited in the lobby for our ride to airport. A worker came down and approached me saying I used everything in my mini bar. I explained I used nothing and actually left extra items in there I had bought from supermarket. A heated argument ensued ending with me saying what I thought of their hotel and staff.
Never stay here!

Horrible Place
May 27, 2016
Attendants were blatantly, proudly disrespectful. They could not find the reservation and therefore suggested they were doing me a favor by giving me a room at all. I was put in a room of substandard conditions with rusting pipes in the bathroom.

Room Condition
November 15, 2012
- Bed with pillow without pillow cases
- Bathrooms with no napkin and tub towel
- Toilets with hanging tissue paper
- Bathrooms without options of cold and hot water
- Wi-Fi strength is hopeless

And here, here is my favorite review, the most exquisitely worded masterpiece of grammar explaining the awe and beauty of this place, so without further adieu, a real review by a real person on this very Earth:
smar choice
September 25, 2013
One of the only two international hotels in this country, even the property is little bit old but it is renovated step by step recent years. This is a not very luxury hotels compare with other sherations, but can meet all your requirements for any purpose. The staffs are very kind, the food is good but not too much changes everyday. there is a newly open small lounge at the club floor which is nice and quiet. Swimming pool is good with a sea view. Hotel has changed management recently, hope there will be more diversity promotion in future.I recommend this hotel if you don't really want a luxury 5 star hotel, here is good enough.
Yes, I recommend this hotel.

As you can see, Ja’Booty is the perfect place for any occasion, family vacation, business trip, if you need a place to lay low following tax evasion, or even if you are literally Ted Cruz, the zodiac killer, this is the place for you. Also I would like to add that one of the many military people who LIVE there, made an attack on Popo’s life following a misunderstanding, mistaking Popo as an enemy. I wouldnt think that Popo looked like a Somali rebel spy infiltrating allied nations, but the Djibouti Armed Forces are a paranoid group. A few days were spent in the hospital down the street, a very good hospital by the way. We spent the most money of any destination we have visited on our trip thus far but we didn’t do any special activities. Medical bills for a foreigner being shot thrice in the forearm are astronomical in Ja’Booty, like 2 million Djiboutian Francs (Ja’Bootyan Francs). Thats 10000 USD. Anyway that’s about the extent of our stay in Ja’Booty.

Wealthy White Male Gets a Bargain on a Bungalow

My experience entering Burkina Faso was so surreal. It appeared to have a developed and complex economy. I, Scott Henderson, am a global real estate mogul and the co owner of the Oakland Raiders, but if you asked me what Burkina Faso was, I would’ve given a classic Gary Johnson. As it would happen, Burkina Faso has a rich history. Between the eighth and eleventh centuries, great kingdoms called the Mossi inhabited the area and fought the great Mali kingdom. Many colonizing countries put their interest in Burky but through an exceedingly complex series of events it became a French protectorate in the 1890s. Four current African countries made up this sector of French controlled land. Burkina Faso, or Haute Volta as it was called, was the feistiest. So feisty in fact that they were separated from Niger, French Sudan and the Ivory Coast. Naturally, Burkina Faso still speaks predominantly French.Image result for gary johnson not knowing aleppo

I believe it is time for me to explain my plan. If you have ever seen the exquisite film “Hot Rod”, then you know the premise is that Rod has to save his dying stepfather in order to beat him up when he is at his strength. I have a very similar relationship with my father. The way I see it, if I can attain enough obscure knowledge of distant and strange lands, perhaps I could find the cure to Alzheimer’s. I know it’s a stretch, but there is a lot of knowledge in the world and the corrupt voodoo filled areas of West Africa seemed like a good place to start. Popo and I traveled up to city of Kaya to stay at the Hotel Kaziende and visit with the locals. Burkina Faso uses the CFA Francs, and even the most expensive bungalows for Popo and I were only 51 U.S. Dollars a night total (30000 CFA Francs). Image result for hotel kaziende

The morning after we checked in, we went out to to the town and visited with common folk, as I entered a secluded area of a few mud brick bungalows, I was greeted by a young boy “Je suis Ibrahim” he said. He brought us to his home and introduced us to his parents. We spoke about life in Burkina Faso for many hours. The day after was the same way and before I knew I understood the semi-corrupt political system. I panderingly swayed during a voodoo dancing ritual with the large masks Burkina Faso is supposedly known for. My next adventure will take me to land of Djibouti.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Wealthy White Male Witnesses Voodoo Shmutz Ritual

Image result for togo mapImage result for mango, togoFirst, I had to travel up to Burkina Faso, through the small nation of Togo. 106,000 square miles, 17 million people, and I had never heard the words Burkina or Faso. After docking at the Togo sea port of Kpeme, I was led alone on horseback by a man named Popo. Most people had cars or motorcycles but Popo was very persuasive. Togo had good infrastructure, excellent roadways, and advanced culture, but I avoided all of that to pursue my plan of simplifying my life. I slept with the horses just miles from affordable and cozy African hotels in Lome. As Togo risks further accumulation of public debt, I sleep in cloth rags on my bed of shredded dollar bills.
Everyday, the Togolese people would come and bring me food. I gave up my old life for a peaceful and unrealistic African lifestyle. Togolese people are influenced by 37 distinct ethnic groups. As Popo led me to Burkina Faso, I spent a few CFA francs at the Fetish Market in Lome for old idols, but that was all. I found more old talismans from the dirty backstreets and created a new religion, it is called Capitalism. So much happened in this last week as I walked north through Togo. I also found a place named Wawa. What a great place name.

Near the end of my horseback journey I came across the city of Mango, where I met the Dekryger family. They had the whitest names in west africa, it was wonderful. Todd and Jennifer were such average looking white people that I felt at home. William, Grant, Luke, and Drew all look like the same child at different ages. They were packing up to move back to Kansas when they saw me disheveled in the street, they took Popo and I into their Hospital of Hope and served us hot dogs. They were the most delicious sausages I had ever experienced. The Dekrygers were a breath of fresh air in my dismal journey of self discovery. A very important thing to notice is that the official language of Togo is French, the language of love. This is important to consider because the Dekrygers have never learned a word of French. Although I am fluent in 6 languages, French included, this made me like them even more.

A woman was ill in the Hospital of Hope, her name was Dina, she had broken her legs. Dina requested a "healer" as opposed to a doctor. The healer would rub dead animal shmutz all over her wound in order to heal her in a voodoo ritual. Voodoo is an extremely complex religion with many rituals, most of them are weird. The healer came and the most peculiar sight I have ever witnessed bombarded my eyes. Following that insanity, Todd and I shared a couple of brewskies, exchanged borderline racist banter before we set out on the last step of our journey. This was also around the time I declared Popo my official travel companion. Just an hour ago I crossed into Burkina Faso. I am ready to enter the next phase of my plan.