Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Wealthy White Male Takes Second Place In Mongolian Wrestlemania

So now Im in mongolia, right? And Im just minding my own business with my new son and best friend, eating my traditional boortsog (I love animal fat, it cost 12500 Tugrik, or $5.50 USD) and this old man walks up to me speaking mongolian, so I thought he was asking me to participate in a mongolian festival, Naadam. I had heard of it briefly, it seemed quite interesting.Mongolian-wrestler-6485125.jpgImage result for mongolian food

What I had not heard of was the art of mongolian wrestling. I had just signed up to be in a tournament with 1000 other chubby guys who compete to throw each other on the ground. Literally, you can punch, kick, spit, bite, headbutt, whatever, you just can’t let anything touch the ground but your cowboy boots. Apparently this competition is a big deal in Mongolia. Anyway, Popo signed up as well, also not knowing what he was signing up for. After it was explained to us, we both vomited. We would wear cowboy boots, a diaper, a v neck crop top and a hat that looked like Mulan when she was pretending to be Ping.

300px-Naadamceremony2006.jpg Due to our sheer size, Popo and I did very well in the early stages of competition. It wasn’t until the round of 64 we ran into trouble. We both came out with narrow victories. Our matches became more public, and the Mongolians became upset that 2 foreigners were still in the ring. By the time there were only 8 left, people were furious. Our opponents fought for their hon or, and the honor of their country. I slaughtered the tiny ninja set before me, as did Popo to his short, flabby opponent. With only 4 left, I now faced the predestined winner of the Wrestling tournament, Batbayar, or “Strong-Joy”. A lumbering mass of muscle, I had to use my endurance, quickness, and strength to overpower the beast. I did overpower him, as did Popo his enemy. Popo and I now had two choices: Fight each other, equally matched in every way, until we literally die, or pull a Hunger Games, and threaten to kill ourselves. Naturally, we chose option 1. We donned our mongolian silk, stood before the Nadaam crowd, waved, they booed, and I let Popo win. I couldn’t watch my friend suffer in the eternal torment of an infinite wrestling match with me. It was the right thing to do, he was awarded 45000000 Tugrik, and we went on our merry way. Dingbang enjoyed all of this immensely, to watch his new papa crush all those men, it filled him with joy.Mongolia_JoelSantos_19.jpg

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